I was thrown into bliss. I was flying, flying like a songbird.

Estelle Sarays is a 17-year-old young woman from the Notting Hill. She and her twin sister Amy lived a normal life - until death knocked at their door, and took Amy away. She committed suicide because of the burdens she had as the oldest child. Later, Estelle's parents got divorced. She stayed with her mother, hoping to mend the distant relationship they've always had. But living with her was like a war. Love was nowhere to be found. Anger, hate, and disdain were regular visitors. Feeling like the centre of this black hole, Estelle felt the need to escape. When she did, she found herself at the same door...

A Rainy Night

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Friday, January 25, 2008

Chapter 1: London Bridge is falling down...

August - It was a rainy night.
The moon was full.
The sky was darker than my mind.
The trees were swaying smoothly side to side. The dreary sidewalk glistened with puddles of raindrops, dripping and dropping from the gloomy clouds. Vivid umbrellas hopped along the streets, with the young people hiding under them, holding them tight. It was like a night scene painted effortlessly. The lively houses stood languid. Lights were unopened and people were lying in their dreams. On the other side, I was running. I was running away from my life, from the head I called my own for 17 years plus 5 months, 6 hours, 3 minutes and 9 seconds. I couldn’t handle it. I couldn’t take it. I couldn’t understand it. I hoped for the best yeah- But I got the worst. I’d reach for the sky, but I’d fall to the fires of hell. I didn’t know what to do. It wasn’t my fault that he left her. It wasn’t. It was my fault. I caused it. I didn’t do it. I don’t know. It wasn’t my fault...was it?
That woman thought so. Her meaningless muffled voice screamed obscenities at me. Those grimy, grubby words drifted through the cold, calm air. I let them because I ignored them. I kept things to myself; secrets. Those secrets swarmed my senses like fat yout would swarm vanilla cakes. I’d just go into a shady space in my mind to create a heavenly tale of glee. I never wanted to say what I felt. She’d just get mouthy, talking until sunrise and beyond. She’d probably fight me too. Besides, it was just like every other day since I was 7 yeah, when she’d growl at me like a jaguar for more time than the day had. She would always make my heart beat melancholy rhythms. She was a sinister sinner, a Christian woman with 5 crosses and 8 bibles. She ceaselessly talked to me with her eyes, those brown circles of fury. They followed me wherever I went. They cursed me. Her lips were too busy slapping each other, affronting me with anger. My African-British mum’s eyes devoured my hazel ones with hatred every time, yeah.
She was still talking to me after my life had passed. I was sitting on the window sill with my long legs bent. Pill bottles and medicine tablets were lying on the woolly carpet beneath me - hers. The heater below me wasn’t working. My socks had holes in them. So did my soul. I was shivering cold even with a blanket wrapped around me. My black hair was as frigid as my hands, get me? I was gazing at the waxen window, while vivid leaves swept slowly across the glass.

Chapter 1: London Bridge is falling down...

“Awhr yuuu lissenain yeah? Du yuu fawking heeah meah, yeah? Du yuu saee meah dahmm eet? Estelle!” She bellowed, inching closer and closer to my dark-skinned face. I kept gazing at the night scene, ignoring her sullen words. Couples walked outside hand in hand, like my mum and dad used to. That memory…
She was waiting for an answer. That memory – it was gone with the snap of her short fingers. She breathed in my face, like a sleeping dragon. It smelled of fuckin’ ciggys.
“Whoiy is yoawh fayce loike thaht? ‘ave yuu been wawshinit?” She asked me for the three millionth time. She thought pimples on my face were diseases.
“Have you been brushing your teeth, you smoking…?”
“Wah ‘id yuu saye? Speek up! Wah ‘id yuu saye”?
I didn’t respond – on purpose.
“Estelle– Wah…did…yuu…saye…” She backed away from my face. Her words punched me like a warrior in battle. Her raspy tone was as stern as the fiend next door. He was safe still. But he was a heavy smoker too.
“Nun,” I said with bother. “Shit,” I whispered to myself, hoping she didn’t hear me.
“I naeed tu tawk tu yuu. Luuk intu moiy oiyz,” She said with a serious voice. I thought she was clownin’.
I looked for a millisecond and then turned back to the night scene outside. I hated looking at her. It pissed me off. It shook me. It made me angry. It made me miserable.
“Lissen vary cahrefuhllee. Yuu been tawkin’ tu yowh fawtha innit…”
“No shit Sherlock.” I was thinking out loud.
“’e ‘as poisunned yohr moind abot meah get meah.” She spoke with rage.
“Has he really? I thought you did, yeah. You know, when you pushed me away,” I was whispering.“
’e’s wit anothah woman because of you. ‘e despoizes me ‘cause o’ u. ‘e left this ‘ouse…’cause o’ you.” She pointed at me.
“Oh, I thought that was your fault, when you thought you could put him on lockdown,” I almost slipped.
“Yuu naeed tu stray inhn up. Fix yor attitude. It gets yuu intu troubuhl, ‘speshleah wit maeh – yah owne muhva. Yah owne muhva.” She pointed at herself.
“You have nuff things to fix, get me? Why are you talking about me”? I whispered.
“Wha ‘ave oiy dunn tu yu? Wha ‘ave oiy dunn? Oiy ‘ave dunn nuthin wrohng. Nuthin.”
“Is that right? What about the time you bruised my entire back?” I was holding back my tears, staring at the low ceiling.
“Yuu arh troiyin ta keeouhl meah. Yuu murdrer. Yuu ‘ave suhm ‘atred towahrds maeh ahnd it naeeds tu stohp. Dount croiy, ‘cawse when Oiy’m deadt, yuu’ll bae varee‘appy. Yu’ll bae smoilin’ ohva moiy grave…”
A tear slipped from my watery eyes and not because I’d miss her. I was angry at her - that stupid bitch! I was so angry at her. My head was exploding with ire, seeeeen. My hands were clenched into fists, ready to clash. Ill will roared from my tattered soul. I put my head down. Teardrops plummeted to their deaths. She wasn’t my mum anymore. She was just a nobody.
“…roight besoide yor deadt sistah. If shae whas heeyah, shae wudt neva ahct tha way yuu awhr.”
I raised my fuming head, yeah. I raised it to her level. Silence kissed the air, yeah. I fixed my crying eyes crossly on her bloodless face. I wanted to kill her just like she said I would. I wanted to kill her. I wanted her to feel my ire, feel my unhappiness. I wanted to squeeze the ignorance out of her. I wanted to hurt her. I wanted her to go away. I wanted her to die. I stood up.
“Shut up.” I said.
“Shut the fuck up! You don’t know her, get me? Don’t talk about her like that you…you…fool!”
Her eyes lit up like she was happy to see me.
“She was my sister and never your daughter. You treated her like the same piece of shit you’ve been treating me as, get me? You hurt me, get me?! You kill me everyday, get me?! You bother me! You anger me! You sadden me, your own daughter. Since I was 7 bloody years old, all you’ve ever done is push me away. You think my dad has been poisoning my mind? It’s been you who has! You’ve pushed me so far away that I’ve fallen off the edge! And you marvel about Amy’s demise…it was you who killed her, not herself! You did it!”
I shouted.I didn’t wait for her, seen? I put my ragged trainers on. I bussed out the room and out into the world.

Chapter 1: London Bridge is falling down...

The wind was holding me back. I walked with my lonesome J’s along the road. I felt like I was going nowhere. The rain was piercing my slim body. I broke my trainers in between the darkened stony bricks. I took them off and kept walking under the night-lights, yeah. My breaths were lifeless swirls of slithering air. I turned a corner. My eyes became oceans of an abyss. My face became a blue river. Emotions were rushing through my body. I stopped under The Cow restaurant red banner. I felt my body become tense. I was paralyzed. I fell to the ground; I held my face with rough hands, creating a sleek cascade. I rocked back and forth. I was in a daze. I was dreaming. I wanted to wake up. I closed my eyes. I opened them. I wanted so many things. I wanted time, more time. I wanted Amy back. I wanted my life back. I stopped.
A fair skinned woman joined me under the oversized brolly.

“Which like lipstick like totally like sticks better like, yellow, like pink, or like totally red?”
She asked me as if she didn’t feel my hurt standing beside her.
She smiled at me with her discolored teeth and multi-colored lips; Butters! Sunny D, pink petals, and tomatoes all in one place. She looked a little…off, get me? Her blonde hair was messier than the garbage disposal around the corner and she kept scratching her dripping face. Her clothes were more like ripped plastic bags.
“I wouldn’t know…um…I’m…colorblind…sorry, not from around here” I said in a soft, sorrowing voice without a care in the world.
I wasn’t. I was born in Canada, eh. My father is a Canadian. I moved here nuff years back. But I was far from colorblind. I could see that repulsive rainbow loud and clear; and they praise Notting Hill like it’s a fashionable place. It was like a work of art made by a tree.
“That’s like totally like OK. Oh, like here’s my like ride. See you like later,” she yelled as she ran through the streets to her ride like a pissed ijat. Young girls – they get smuttier everyday.

I was silent. The wind slowly slid its hand across my jaded face. I rose to my shoeless feet, staring at the star I wished upon. When I lowered my eyes, yeah, I saw a black hack, parked right In front of me. I ran towards it and let myself in.
“Ijat, that’s mah hack, thaht’s moine!” A voice yelled from afar.
I closed the door.
“Ware to mia’am?” He said with a Texan accent, a cheery voice. I knew he was American. “Anywhere, anywhere but here,” I responded.

Chapter 1: London Bridge is falling down...

Green light – Simon says go.

The hack driver put the carriage in motion. It was like 2 feet on the tires, hitting bumps and curves. They ran through puddles of neon lights; slowly. Muddled raindrops would wave at me and my window would cry a stream of tears. The splash was a soothing sound, yeah, like the sound of sweet nothings. The window wipers swayed back and forth rhythmically. They sang the blues with me.The view from back here was a nocturne. City lights shimmered in the shady sky. Time was moving with my eyes. Motley of color kept passing me by. I wished to see this painting again. I rested my head against the waterless window. My barely buckled body was a creative writer, leaning to the left. I was tired – tired of everyone, and tired of the world. I just wanted to leave.

“AAAAAAHHHH!” I yelled out loud for the world to hear.
The driver stared at me in the rear view mirror. His jet black hair was wetter than the mats on the car floor. His blue eyes and smile gave me a sense of ease.
I shut my eyes and imagined leaving; leaving the world. I was flying through the tainted atmosphere and into outer space; my new home. I was Superwoman with a clean smile. I was weightless with my vanishing problems. I was happy. But my senseless imagination was flushed with a river. I came crashing down towards planet Earth, spinning like a top. Kryptonite swallowed my pride I was burning like I was at the gateway to hell. I was falling into a pit of loneliness.
“Yu wawnna tawk aboooooooout it?” he said loudly, snapping me out of my daze.
“It’s OWH K if yu dohn feyul tha naeed tu. I ain’t preshrin’ ya,” he said with a joyful fake smile. Americans - they always wanna know the scandal.I ignored him.
“Sharing feelings is for brushmen and single birds, get me?” Honestly…it was none of his business.
The hack came to a halt.

Red light – Simon says stop.

My eyes were wandering the gray ceiling. I saw him turn around to look at me again. Peace was in the air.But he broke it.
“Ah’ve had thowse daze too, when yah down in tha dumps awwwwll the time and dohn feel laike tawkin’. Ah’ve been therer. Ah was a fowstah chaaild fo’ manay years. Ahh know…”
His words were silenced by my focus on the outside. The radio was on. The station had more static than a cheap TV.

Green light – Simon says go.

He slowly stepped on the pedal, while facing my nearly soulless self.
“Mahh’am does…”
A dazzling beam of white lights tiptoed into a crevice of my vision. The hack driver swerved to the right. The moonlight shone on the soaring car.I was thrown into bliss. Time was slower than the clouds. I was flying, flying like a songbird, seen. I wanted to stop, but my body kept going.My head hit a hard lucid pillow faster than my eyes shut. I was falling, falling into a world of nothingness. My mind fell asleep to a broken melody. It was a rainy night.

Red light – Simon says stop – you’re out.